Forty Years Fat Is Enough! part 6

My Journey Continues

Raw and Unedited–Kinda like my life…

DO BETTER TODAY

“Help! I’m falling back into my old habits. You know, eating whatever, whenever… I have GOT to STOP this.” I type as I sit at Panera Bread wiping the gooey egg yolk from my fingers and brushing away the crumbs from the brioche bun that have fallen onto my keyboard. “I’ll do better tomorrow.”

DO BETTER TODAY

These past few weeks have been a struggle. I don’t know why, I was doing so well. Strike that. I do know why. Because I am not trying. I am doing what I’ve always done. Which is lying to myself. “Oh, eat that. It’s okay. You’ll go back to your plan tomorrow.” If only that were true. I never go back to my plan tomorrow. Because tomorrow never comes. Rinse and repeat. To infinity.

DO BETTER TODAY

Why, when I know this about myself do I continue to believe it will be different? I started out so well. I’ve lost nearly 25 pounds. I’ve lost many inches. I’ve gone down sizes in clothing. I FEEL GOOD! But that’s not going to stay that way for long if I don’t get back on track. And stay there. Seriously, this is not a diet but the way to eat for life.

I am not totally off track. But I’ve indulged in so much bread these past few weeks. And sugar. My willpower has been pretty much nonexistent. And that’s on me. I know I can do this because I had been doing this. I let myself slip and, well, downhill and alla that…

DO BETTER TODAY

It’s like that damn diet coke. I gave it up for ten long months. TEN MONTHS of NO diet coke. I drank a lot of tea. Drank water. Allowed myself some diet 7up occasionally. But once I had one, there was no going back. Oh, I’ll just have one in the morning I told myself. Well, maybe another in the afternoon. Another after dinner wouldn’t hurt… Yeah, for me with diet coke it’s all or nothing apparently. As long as I wasn’t have any, I was okay. But once I had one, well their stock went up let me tell ya. But I’ll do better tomorrow.

DO BETTER TODAY

So, I’m sitting here psyching myself up to do this thing. To eat like I know I should. And to stop this diet coke obsession. To stop making excuses. To stop justifying what I am doing to myself. To stop telling myself it’s okay today, I’ll do better tomorrow.

DO BETTER TODAY

 

 

Forty Years Fat Is Enough! part 4

My Journey Continues

Raw and Unedited–Kinda like my life…

Eating like you should IS NOT EASY!

No, it’s not easy. Not for me. I like convenience. I’m also not much of a planner. I’m out and about most days and would just grab whatever was easy when hungry. You know that means going thru the drive-thru…  Eating the way you should means you need to do some planning.  You need to make better choices. Good choices. You have the power! Will you use that power for good or for evil? I choose good!

About a month has passed since you last heard from me. What is going on you ask? Still following your plan you ask? The short answer:  I’m trying to!  I’ve said goodbye to 20 pounds and some 17+ inches from various places in two months. Have I been perfect following my plan? Moi? No. I think that is impossible. But I have no complaints and I’m not too hard on myself.  Nobody’s perfect after all.  Like I mentioned above:  eating like you should IS NOT EASY…but it does get easier!

This past month I went on vacation. I was gone for 10 days enjoying the beach and then a couple of days in New Orleans.  I strived to follow my plan for the most part while gone. Did I eat things I now try to avoid? Pizza? Well, perhaps a slice.  (have I mentioned I love pizza?) Key Lime pie? Come on, I was AT THE BEACH. Chips while hanging out on the beach reading? Surprisingly, not a lot (small pat on the back). Fruity rum deliciousness in tall iced glasses? Again, I was AT THE BEACH. Did I visit Café du Monde while in NOLA and eat some beignets?  No, I did not eat SOME, but I did eat ONE.  But, seriously, I made my choices and I’m okay with what I did. Did I overdo? No. Did I go crazy? No. Did I gain weight? NO! I learned I can treat myself OCCASIONALLY just a LITTLE and not gain weight. Of course, right now I don’t want to maintain I want to lose. Which means straying from my plan is not something I should be doing. And I won’t, I promise (please remember, though, I am not perfect.) It is comforting to know I can fall off a bit and not spiral down like I have in the past. This is not a diet, it is a lifestyle choice and one that must be practiced a lifetime!

Oh, by the way… that Chic-O-Stick is STILL sitting in my cabinet.  I am ignoring it LIKE A BOSS! chickostickNOPE

 

 

In honor of My Dear Friend Kay

In honor of my dear friend Katherine Kay Welker Kahre

July 15, 1959-February 8, 2018

In honor of my dear friend, I posted a picture of the two of us on Facebook after she passed away last week.  A friend commented on my picture “dear friends are always in our hearts.” Kay and I have been connected for over 50 years. Since elementary school. Connected. Hearts connected in friendship. This led me to think about all our hearts being connected. Heartstrings.kayphotogrid Invisible heartstrings. There is a children’s book I am familiar with because my granddaughter came home from preschool a couple of years ago and explained to me in all her 4-year-old wisdom about the invisible heartstrings. She went on to explain how these strings tie all our hearts together and are held in heaven. If I miss her, I should pull on that invisible string and she will feel it and know I am thinking about her. What a wonderful concept. After a little investigation, I discovered her class had recently read “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst. The premise of the book “People who love each other are always connected by a very special String, made of love. Even though you can’t see it with your eyes, you can feel it deep in your heart, and know that you are always connected to the ones you love.” So I know Kay and I are, and always will be, connected by this invisible string.

That string is pretty darn tender and it hurts a little right now. That’s okay. That’s how I know it is still connected. Kay was the kind of friend who is always in your heart. Whether we’d seen each other just yesterday or not for quite a bit longer, we could always pick up right where we left off. No matter how long it had been since we’d seen each other. She was that friend who knew everything about me. The one I could absolutely be myself with. When we were together we were always laughing. Kay was always so full of joy. A beautiful, strong and caring woman.

That invisible string is going to be tender for a while. It’ll always be connected from Kay’s heart to mine and to all of those who were lucky enough to know her. Those we love and lose are always going to be connected by those invisible heartstrings. Eventually, it won’t hurt so badly when it’s pulled; it’ll bring plenty of smiles and not so many tears. Well, maybe tears of laughter.

As life-long friends we experienced a lot together; Kay was my Maid of Honor 39 years ago. She also provided the beautiful music for my daughter’s and then my son’s wedding. Kay’s voice was as beautiful as her loving heart. One thing best friends cannot experience together, though, is each other’s funeral. We had an agreement between us depending on how things went: She promised to sing at my funeral and in return she made me promise that I would NOT sing at hers. I can see her looking down with that closed mouth smirk of hers, both eyebrows lifting as she says to everyone: “You’re welcome.” She’s yanking on that invisible string right now and having a good laugh saying she didn’t want to offend anyone’s ears. I feel ya woman.

Kay’s laugh, the twinkle in her eyes, her joy, her love and kindness, her absolutely beautiful voice, those things I will always remember as well as her strong faith. While we are all mourning the loss of our dear friend, others in Heaven are rejoicing. For us, Easter season is just a few weeks away, but Kay is celebrating her own joyous Easter now.

I’m going to treasure each memory, each and every tug on that invisible string. Love ya girlie!

Meanest Mom in the World

To my darling daughter:

I am laughing as I re-read your text from this morning regarding your not quite 3-year-old daughter, my granddaughter. “She’s a crankypants this morning. Said she didn’t like me.” Makes me remember back to when I was the “meanest mother in the world” or sometimes the “worst mother in the world,” and you (or one of your brothers) didn’t like me. Yeah, I heard that often enough. I knew you (or your brothers) didn’t mean it. Well, maybe you DID mean it at the time, and for some time afterwards. But for whatever reason I was dubbed “meanest” or “worst” mother in the world you can bet it was because of something for your own good!

Now you are a mother yourself. And a damn fine one at that! I hope I had a little something to do with that. But know that anytime your children tell you they don’t like you or you are the worst mother ever, (and trust  me, they will) they don’t mean it (well, they won’t mean it for long). They love you, just as I have always known you love me. And now that you have a beautiful daughter yourself, one that you are filled with love and joy for, you perhaps have just a glimpse of how much I love you (and your brothers) and always will.  Enjoy every moment!

The Lives We Live

Below are my incorrigibly random thoughts from earlier today. Bouncing around in my head, ping-ponging from one side of my brain to the other for whatever reason. So I typed them up to shut them up. Maybe someday I’ll elaborate and polish these thoughts, but for now I can relax and enjoy my Zac Brown Band concert tonight!

We can never be born enough… E.E. Cummings While getting ready this morning, thoughts of my life were crowding my mind. Or should I say thoughts of my many lives… I feel as if I’ve lived several lives, each one special in its own way, but each one giving way to the next. When a part of your life is over and you move on to the next it’s almost like that same person doesn’t exist in the present anymore, just the memories and what you have learned. And from each of those lives there was much to be learned.

Being a child seems a lifetime ago. Several lifetimes ago. Sometimes it feels like that never happened; that I’ve always been as I am now. Some would say, “but you still act like such a child.” I laugh and think to myself it’s true. No matter my age I think that child is and will always be within me. Don’t let this shell fool you; I’m still a 17 year old girl. You learn in each lifetime, you just don’t realize it. What I learned as a child was to be carefree, live in the moment, enjoy each day for what it is. Into adolescence and young adult life, however, you are just impatient to get on with your life and grow up. What a paradox these two lives are! You cannot live in the moment if you are impatient for what may or may not happen in the future.

My life as a mother is ongoing, yet ever changing. When you have children you realize you underestimated just how much you could love another person. I love you my children, you are the jewels of my life!! You also realize, if you hadn’t before, just how much your own mother loves you. Thank you Mom, I love you! A lifetime of raising children, busy with their activities and loving every minute of it, leads to a “what do I do now” moment when they are older? Time to get a life. Well, another life…

Life as a non-traditional college student, attending classes while my children were also in school, since I had put my education on hold while raising children. Working at a few jobs throughout my life, but my main job was being a mom. It’s what I had always wanted… to be able to stay home with my children when they were young. Grateful that my life afforded me that opportunity. When I did finish my education, I had a business degree (cum laude no less!!!) and certification to teach business classes in high school.

Being a high school teacher was another lifetime. Being a teacher gives you a whole new appreciation for the teachers you had during your lifetime as a student. And how much those teachers cared for you. The students I taught throughout the years brought me endless joy as well as consternation. Their enthusiasm always contagious, keeping me feeling young, stoking that 17-year-old in me. Getting to know such diverse characters and watching them grow, hoping I had some small part in what they become. Caring about each and every one of them. Ah, a lifetime ago. I think about it often, though.

The life of an elementary school administrative assistant a much different life. Being a part of a new school from practically the beginning, watching 5-year-olds grow into tweens heading into middle school. It was a hard life that first year, working in the office of a new school, very few staff, so I also was the makeshift nurse. Where I was practically never sick while teaching in the high school, my first year at the elementary school I was sick often. One cold after another, several bouts with bronchitis, and even swine flu. After that first year, I think I was immune to everything and haven’t had much more than a cold here and there since. Those elementary kids are a germy bunch… but what a life. What a joy to know those developing kids and their parents. This is one of my most cherished lives so far! So, why did I leave this life? Well…

Throughout all these lives my own children were growing up, living their lives. Going to college, getting jobs, moving out. Getting engaged and married. And making me a grandmother. A grandmother! This was a life I had been looking forward to for some time. To make the most of it, I left my job so I could be the one to take care of my granddaughter each day while her parents worked. Again, my life afforded me this opportunity and I am grateful. It’s hard to put into words how much love I have for this beautiful little girl. Being a grandmother brings to light the love your own grandmother had for you as you think about all the wonderful times you had together, and vow to be this and more for your own grandchildren. Thank you Grandma(s)! I love you and miss you!

E.E. Cummings said, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” Well, I am working on it. I don’t know that I’ll ever grow up or ever fully become who I really am. But that is what living is. Living and changing and growing and evolving. This lifetime here and now I am enjoying each day through the eyes of a one-year-old. The joy and wonder of her is exhilarating. This lifetime here and now I am exploring my own life and wants and dreams as well. As I have in every lifetime in some respect. I think I am just more acutely aware of it now.

Living my life on Facebook, and laughing about it. Yes, it’s a whole ‘nother life out there. People with interests similar to your own that capture your attention and you become acquainted with them over the years, even good friends. A Facebook life. Who would have thought something like this was possible years ago while you were busy living your earlier life. Amazing. Daunting. Amusing and entertaining. An addiction that steals your time if you are not careful! Something that definitely adds interest and a new dimension to this life. Without it I may have never discovered my desire to write, to create, to dream…

A lifetime of love. And what has been constant throughout these lifetimes? The one thing that grounds me, takes care of me, encourages me? No, not diet coke. The unfailing love a wonderful man. Best friend, confidant, lover. Husband, father, grandfather. Through what will be 34 years of marriage this summer this man has been my life and will continue to be for as long as we both shall live. Yes, I feel as if I have lived several different phases of lifetimes each wonderful in its own way, but this lifetime, as a wife, is ongoing and evolving and I cherish every moment of it. It is this lifetime that has made all the others before and after possible. The adhesive that holds all the aspects of my existence together. You let me be what I want to be, whatever that is at the moment. I love you, D

To quote E. E. Cummings once again: “today may I be me, smart, serious, happy, frustrated, impatient, joyful, running, sleeping, smiling, eating, trying, believing, listening, being and becoming.”

Yes, each day in my life may I continue to be all these things!